Holding Steady for the Holidays

My weight hasn't changed much in the last couple of weeks and I'm okay with that. I've been taking a break from food tracking and it shows on the scale. As long as I don't gain, I'm happy. Come January first, I'll be focused on my single goal of 2012 - losing 100 pounds. Yes, I've lost 120 pounds, but it's been horrendously slow. I need to ramp up my game!

Speaking of ramping up, I met with my pool physical therapist and she was very pleased with me. She gave me an A+ for form and consistency. She said my progress really showed that I have been working hard. I grinned from ear-to-ear the entire appointment! Meanwhile, we've added paddles to my lap walking and when I'm doing my leg exercises to increase resistance, plus when I'm doing my arm exercises, I am to stand on one foot. Oh boy. It needs lots of concentration - rather like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time. Lastly, I'm to move some of my exercises to shallower water, like the squats, to make it more challenging.

Seem to Be on a Roll

Everything seems to be coming together now and I'm consistently losing weight. Even if I fall off the wagon for a meal or day, I tend to get right back on again before any damage is done. This is good because I'm tired of the skin infections. Yes, once again I was in the hospital for IV antibiotics with a skin infection.

The worst part this time is that I wasn't able to do my pool exercise until I was done with the oral antibiotics. I didn't realize how much going to the pool has improved my mood until I started having panic and anxiety attacks again. Whether it's the socialization or the physical activity or a combination of both, I don't know, but it acts as mood stabilizer. I went back for the first time yesterday and I already feel the difference. I feel more clear-headed and a smile comes easier to my face.

***

I'd like to post more but to be honest, I don't know what to post about. My life is pretty quiet other than my weight loss efforts. I don't want to be constantly whining about things I can't do. It's not how I live my life. I watch my food, go to the pool, take my pills, do crafting, read, take online classes and enjoy time with my husband of 21+ years and my dog. My diet would be boring to most people. It's whatever I can get my husband to make and we tend to have similar things over a month's period. I'm thinking about adding more about books & reading. What might you be interested in reading about?

Average Weight Loss

I've been seriously working on weight loss for about 2.5 years. I'm averaging a loss of 48 pounds per year. Slow, slow, slow. Okay, it's twice as fast as I put in on but at this rate it will be six years before I'm at a decent weight. I really need to concentrate on kicking it in gear. I'd like to lose 100 pounds per year. It's only going to happen if I am more consistent with staying within my allowed calorie count.

My current goal is 500 pounds by mid-May. That will be 10 pounds a month or a little over 2 pounds a week. I can do this!

Spam Jerks

So, I've learned my lesson. I received a comment from someone who said they were big like me and asked for my email address to talk. Being the compassionate person I am, I gave it to them. I immediately started getting spam from a company I never heard of and it's getting past my ISPs junk email filter. This is the first spam I've gotten in the years since I've had this email address.

And now I know - never give out my email address to a blog commenter.

If you want to talk to me privately, write a comment and ask that I not publish it.

Just Keep Swimming

I'm still losing weight. It's a combination of tracking my food daily, staying with my calorie range, one hour of pool exercise twice a week and, probably, adjustments to my thyroid medications.

I slip now and then, sometimes badly, with my calories. But the interval before I get back on track keeps getting shorter. It used to be months or weeks or days before I would "start over." This week, it was just one meal - dinner. I had my husband toss the high-calorie leftovers and take the remaining cake to work. I got it out of the house before I continued the binge on the following day. It feels good.

I'm in new territory now. I haven't been this low in weight in probably a decade. It is encouraging to feel as if I am finally, solidly, on the road to a healthier weight. I'll never be Miss Skinny. However, I can be someone who has a normal life. One where I can grocery shop, walk my dog, clean my house, shower without assistance, and buy clothes from a store. Won't it be nice?

That's More Like It

The seven pound loss is unexpected but welcome. I'm the lowest weight I've been in a decade or so. I have to say that the pool exercise and the additional activity, mostly light housekeeping, I've been doing has really paid off. I'm also trying to keep my calories to between 2200 - 2400 calories a day with mixed success.

The light housekeeping usually involves just one or two minutes of me standing on my feet and doing things like dusting, putting something away, or swiping over a bathroom surface. It's not much, but it seems to be contributing to the loss.

FlyLady says you can do anything for 15 minutes. Well, no, I can't. But I can do a minute or two and I've really been pushing myself to do so.

Finally Updating

I lost control and gained so much weight I was too ashamed and embarrassed to blog the last couple of months. But I'm back on track now and have lost near everything I gained.

My husband is in a new job and, while I don't want to get my hopes up, it's the largest company he's worked for and the most solid. It will be next year before we find out if he'll go from temp to perm (minimum 6 months, usually takes 8 to 10) but they've already had him working some overtime and they really like him. Also, he's out of the clean room environment which I think he really hated.

The pool therapy has been absolutely fabulous and has been key to elevating my mood and losing weight. Last week I was unable to go because of a cold and felt the lack. I went yesterday and while I wasn't my usual energetic self, I was able to complete all my exercises.

I do:

2 laps
Walk forwards
Walk sideways
Walk backwards

16 reps
Mini-inner tube, march in place
Mini-inner tube, side leg lifts
Mini-inner tube, rear leg lifts
Dumbbells - arms at sides, down
Dumbbells - arms clapping
Dumbbells - arms swinging
Kickboard - pull down, front
Kickboard - push/pull
Kickboard - push down, front
Kickboard - push down, each arm
Squats, both legs
Squats, one leg
Tiptoe/heels, both legs
Tiptoe/heels, one leg

1 rep
Tight rope walk, forward
Tight rope walk, backward

7 reps
Step up, each leg
Step down, each leg

I've also added 3 minutes of jogging and 1 minute of "skiing."

Each time I am there I add a little more. In November, I'll meet with the therapist and we'll ramp up my routine.

Short Update

I've been out of control eating for about ten days now and have gained 14 pounds. It's time to stop!

Husband's hours got cut. Then he got laid off. Then he got a new job. Hormones are affecting my moods. Emotional eating is my downfall. I still don't have the hang of handling it. I know all the skills for dealing with eating when I'm down, I just don't do them.

Been back on track with my calories for 2 days and next week I start pool therapy. I'm really looking forward to it. Plus I've signed up to be a leader for a "Biggest Loser" challenge on SparkPeople. Lastly, I've committed to losing 6 to 8 pounds a month for the next three months for another SparkPeople group.

It's Been a Bad Week

And it's a bad day. Found out that my husband's hours are being cut on Thursday and it went all down hill from there. Lost control of my eating. Premenstrual. Bad dreams at night. Having thoughts of ending it all because I'm so bloody tired of fighting. Fighting my weight. Fighting with mental illness. Fighting with financial problems. Everything is such an effort and I'm exhausted. I know I'll come out the other side. I always do. But being in this dark place sucks big time. In a few days, I'll have hope and energy again. I just need to get through them without doing anything stupid. So, I'll write here. I'll tell my husband. I'll journal. I'll keep myself busy and stay gentle with myself. My eating is back on track and I'll try to keep it that way. Just for today. I can make it through today.

Keep on Trucking

No change this week either. It's not entirely unexpected as my food isn't where I want it to be. I'm more on track this week and staying within in my calorie range. I've been speaking with Rick B. who was featured as one of the 80 people in What I Eat. He's lost over 200 pounds with diet and weight loss surgery. Faith, one of the authors of the book, connected me with him. And on SparkPeople I connect with people who have lost a lot of weight without surgery as well. I need to keep the hope alive that I can lose this weight - even if it takes me longer than I want it to. I'm really looking forward to August when I start my swimming program. That should kick off some decent weight loss as well.

Steady As She Goes

I maintained this week which is fine since I had a binge episode on Saturday. Thankfully, since I've taken various eating disorder classes and gone to therapy, I get myself under control a lot faster . Perfection isn't expected, but I've certainly made progress. Binges would last days or weeks, if not months. Nowadays one day is my limit. I also allow myself one "free" day a month. So, it's early this month. What can I say.

However, it's taking a couple days to get my calories back down to the 2200 - 2400 a day range. My stomach got stretched a bit and I'm finding that I'm running hungrier than usual. I'm getting closer though and by tomorrow I should be back on track.

Oh Yeah, Eight Pounds Down

I won't say that I've broken the plateau yet. I said that last time and it wasn't true. So, I'm taking a wait and see attitude. If I lose again next week or the week after, THEN I'll say I'm back on my way again.

I'm working on getting more produce into my diet. I've been of the opinion that a calorie is a calorie is a calorie. And in a way that is accurate, but I read an essay in What I Eat and it explained how when we cook or process food that we break the components down which makes it easier for us to digest the food. So this means the body has to work harder to digest a hundred calories of an apple, for instance, than it had to work to digest a hundred calories of a cookie.

I'm up to 5 to 6 servings of fruits and vegetables (aka "freggies) a day and I'm trying to make more of them raw. I had my husband pick me up some baby carrots and I dip them into a bit of light Ranch. Yummy.

Pool Therapy

It seems I might not have explained why I was after a bathing suit. Since I lost 100 pounds, I haven't had any more energy than when I was heavier which didn't seem right to me. I contacted my doctor and asked if she thought physical therapy would help me. She recommended pool therapy at the Courage Center. They have a zero-entry pool that is specifically engineered for the disabled.

I had several obstacles to overcome. The first being a bathsuit that would fit me. Through Sanctuarie I was able to order a custom-fitted bathing suit. My second obstacle was - would I be able to change clothes twice without assistance (into and out of bathing suit?) Third obstacle was - would I be able to handle the heat? The pool is 92 degrees. Whew.

Well, I went last night for my first time and it was AWESOME!!! I have a fabulous trainer and my biggest concern, the heat, wasn't an issue at all. In fact, at times I got a little chilled. Now I know why they have the pool so warm. I struggled a bit with changing but took my time and it worked out. The trainer was kind, informative, and "touchy-feely" - which fits my personality perfectly. I am so happy! I'll be going twice a week.

I got into the pool and was able to MOVE, to WALK. It was amazing and I burst into tears. The trainer gave me a big hug and we went on to do 30 minutes of gentle exercise.

Insurance will pay for twelve appointments a year so we are going to meet for six appointments then I'll do independent exercise for a few months until I need to ramp it up and then we'll meet a couple of times, etc. I'm just waiting to hear from Scheduling to set up my appointments.

I am a very happy lady today.

Here We Go Again

Back up three pounds. So, less calories, more vegetables, more exercise, and more water are in order. I'm dropping my calorie range to 2200 to 2400, will do chair exercises every day and drink two liters of water.

Also, I need to try to figure out some ways to reduce my sodium intake. It's a challenge because a) I need foods that I can reheat for lunch since I can't stand for long and b) we are on a tight budget. My usual lunches are spaghetti (tomato sauce is high in sodium), chicken and yellow rice (rice is high) or stir fry (soy sauce.) My AM snack is half a sandwich and deli meats are high in sodium. I can't substitute frozen meals because they are all high in sodium too. It's a conundrum for sure.

Morph: 1 - Plateau: 0

Finally! I'm so proud of myself that I didn't give up. I kept on trucking and made it through the other side. I've lost five pounds. Whoo hoo! I reduced my calories a little and tried to stay at the low end of my range if not under a bit. I increased my activity and water. In the past, I would have given up weeks ago. But I've gotten to the point where I can't give up anymore. I'm tired of losing weight I've already lost numerous times. Giving up and binging doesn't get me anywhere. In a year, I need to be able to look for at least a part time job and I can't do that unless I've lost enough weight to be able to walk around.

Bad news is that the bathing suit bottom didn't fit. They are sending me the largest bottom they have. I am hoping that will work. If not, I'll have to see if I can order some men's bathing trunks.

Same Stuff, Different Day

It's been a month since I've lost any weight. I'm plateaued and depressed. Really don't have anything to say this week.

Disheartened

Not feeling up to saying much. Still not doing anything different than I did last month when I lost twenty pounds and still gaining, albeit slowly. Am going to add more fruits and vegetables plus more activity and will try to stay on the low end of my calorie range. Another week of this and I will not be in a happy place. Heck, I'm not in one now.

Not a Happy Camper

I was so close to the 100 pound lost mark that I started weighing every day. 574. 574. 573. 574. Then finally 572. Yay! I trumpeted to everyone on SparkPeople, Facebook, etc. And what happens on my "official" weigh in day? I'm up three pounds to 575. A one pound gain since my last weigh in. And I couldn't even tell you why. I've been within my calorie range all but two days of the last nine - one was over by only 100 calories, the other by 400. So it's not like I binged. Not only that, but all the other weeks I've lost four to five pounds, I've had at least one day a week where I was a few hundred calories over.

I got on the scale, off, on, off, on. Then burst into tears. I know all the things to say: water weight, sodium intake, it's just one week, normal fluctuations. But it still hurts. I still feel frustrated. It was an emotional blow. I have feelings of wanting to give up. Like nothing I'm able to do is going to get this weight off. But then I shake my head and keep plodding forward. I'll be especially careful this week and try to stay on the low side of my range, if not a little under.

It just makes me want to cry. I'm so sad.

You'd Think I'd Learn

We unexpectedly went out to dinner on Friday night and I overate. Again. The food was delicious. We went to a place called Jake's. We got the pot sticker appetizer and split it. I had a side Caesar salad, a patty melt, fries and we split a lemon cheesecake dessert. My stomach hurt so badly when we got out to the truck. I've been very good about staying within my calorie range - 2,400 to 2,600. And I wasn't that far over - 3,000 calories. But still, it was too much food since I've been so careful over the last month. My stomach has shrunk a bit. In the last 10 days, it's the only day I was significantly over my range.

If I had planned ahead, I would have stuck with the patty melt and fries and splitting either the dessert or appetizer. When I go out to eat, I eat what I like, so I wouldn't have changed to a different entree. I'm of the school "eat anything you like, but don't eat everything you'd like" that I learned in binge eating classes. I forgot to pay attention to how full I was getting though. A lesson I still struggle with from those classes.

So the lesson is... plan ahead. If I plan the amount, I won't get overly full and while I can enjoy myself, I won't pay for it afterward by being in pain and nauseated.

Reading and Eating

Eating while reading is my vice. And it's one that I'm not willing to give up at this point nor do I know if I'll ever be ready. The best I can do is to control the quantity and quality of food I eat while reading. Nothing is more comforting to me than to hunker down with something warm and soft to eat while reading an absorbing novel. The world goes away with all its pain and distress and for a couple hours I can escape. I've learned now to deal better with my emotions, but I still like to "go away."

I remember my first binge when I was nine years old. I loved the white rice at school even though no one else did. One day a bunch of kids gave me theirs and I ate and read and read and ate. It was probably about five or six servings of rice.

My husband and I have gone out to eat for decades and we always bring our books. We also used to smoke like chimneys but thankfully that is over now.

Do People Ever Think?

I've gotten some comments (anonymous, of course) lately that I haven't published that were very shaming. Do people honestly think that shaming will work? Do people think that I'm somehow not ashamed of my weight and how it affects the people I love and care about? Massive, heavy shame is part of my eating disorder. The more shame I feel, the more I want to eat. When I feel good about myself, I don't have the desire to overeat.

I feel so much shame, I feel like I am shame, rather than feel it as an emotion. I feel ashamed that I am even alive. I feel as if I don't deserve love or affection or companionship. The shame chokes me at times. I feel like I can't breathe through it. I want to shrink into an invisible ball.

I can't take care of myself. I can't dress myself. I'm almost totally isolated at home. I can't wipe my own butt most of the time. I smell awful within hours of a shower. I fight near constant yeast infections in my folds. I can't trim my own toenails or cook my own meals. How can I NOT FEEL SHAME?

Do people think that loading up a bigger pile of shame is somehow helpful? Are they mean or just ignorant?

So It Goes

I can't put this off anymore. Too much is going wrong and it's all at least in part due to my weight. Our finances, our mental health, our home. I need to be able to work, do household chores, walk my dog, be a partner to my husband. I want to be able to walk around the block, be out in the sunshine, swim, go to a show, shop.

In a year, I'll be done with school that the state has paid for and they will expect me to find work. I won't be able to work if I can't walk into a building for an interview or sit in an armed chair. I can't work if I can't keep myself clean during the day or can't sit for more than a few hours without pain.

I want to be able to keep our house clean. My husband does have the time or energy to do it the way I'd like. It's not his fault. He has to do everything now. He's so depressed and feeling hopeless. I have GOT to get this under control. I must.

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: End of Event Meme

1. Which hour was most daunting for you?
Mid-afternoon when I realized I was very tired and wouldn't be able to stay up late.

2. Could you list a few high-interest books that you think could keep a Reader engaged for next year?
Room by Emma Donoghue worked well. Very intense but quick read.

3. Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the Read-a-thon next year?
This was the best yet. I liked the mini-challenges this year as none took a long time.

4. What do you think worked really well in this year’s Read-a-thon?
The mini-challenges.

5. How many books did you read?
3

6. What were the names of the books you read?
Shakepeare's Counselor by Charlaine Harris, Room by Emma Donoghue, Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward

7. Which book did you enjoy most?
Room by Emma Donoghue

8. Which did you enjoy least?
Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward

9. How likely are you to participate in the Read-a-thon again? What role would you be likely to take next time?
Unlikely. I spend too much time blogging and doing challenges and not enough actually reading. I'll do various read-a-thons at LibraryThing where the focus is on reading.

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 13

Current title: Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
Pages read since last update: 245
Running total of pages read since you started: 1106
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 112 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 616 minutes
Books Completed: 3
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Hershey Candy-Coated Chocolate Eggs, Flavorite

And I'm done for this read-a-thon and headed off to bed!

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 11

Current title: Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
Pages read since last update: 141
Running total of pages read since you started: 861
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 72 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 504 minutes
Books Completed: 2
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Roasted Chicken, Rice, Green Beans

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Mid-Event Meme

1. What are you reading right now?
Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward

2. How many books have you read so far?
2

3. What book are you most looking forward to for the second half of the Read-a-thon?
Nothing in particular.

4. Did you have to make any special arrangements to free up your whole day?
No.

5. Have you had many interruptions? How did you deal with those?
As usual, I'm spending more time blogging and doing challenges than I'd like.

6. What surprises you most about the Read-a-thon, so far?
I'm reading less than I have in previous events. Not sure why.

7. Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the Read-a-thon next year?
Not that I can think of. The challenges are great this time. Nice and short.

8. What would you do differently, as a Reader or a Cheerleader, if you were to do this again next year?

9. Are you getting tired yet?
Yes, I won't last more than a few more hours.

10. Do you have any tips for other Readers or Cheerleaders, something you think is working well for you that others may not have discovered?
Just remember to have books that are easy reads.

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 10

Current title: Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
Pages read since last update: 82
Running total of pages read since you started: 720
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 46 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 432 minutes
Books Completed: 2
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Apple, Cashews

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 9

Current title: Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
Pages read since last update: 58
Running total of pages read since you started: 638
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 36 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 386 minutes
Books Completed: 2
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Hot Dog, Banana Bread

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 8

Current title: Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
Pages read since last update: 66
Running total of pages read since you started: 580
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 44 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 350 minutes
Books Completed: 2
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Banana Bread

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 7

Current title: Room by Emma Donoghue
Pages read since last update: 73
Running total of pages read since you started: 514
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 46 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 306 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 1 (Book Challenge Recommendations)
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Fried Chicken Thigh, Mac & Cheese Bites

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 6

Current title: Room by Emma Donoghue
Pages read since last update: 67
Running total of pages read since you started: 441
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 36 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 260 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 1 (Intro Meme)
Food and Drink: -

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 5

Current title: Room by Emma Donoghue
Pages read since last update: 72
Running total of pages read since you started: 374
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 42 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 224 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 1 (Book Boyfriend Matchmaker)
Food and Drink: Subway Meatball Sub, Cheetos, Diet Sprite, Chocolate Glazed Donut

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 4

Current title: Room by Emma Donoghue
Pages read since last update: 59
Running total of pages read since you started: 302
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 44 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 182 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 2 (Book Puzzle, A Literary Odyssey)
Food and Drink: Girl Scout Thin Mints

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Book Puzzle

Determine the book I've been reading from the puzzle.

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 3

Current title: Shakespeare's Counselor
Pages read since last update: 70
Running total of pages read since you started: 243
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 37 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 138 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Food and Drink: -

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 2

Current title: Shakespeare's Counselor
Pages read since last update: 73
Running total of pages read since you started: 173
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 40 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 101 minutes
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Food and Drink: Chicken and Rice, Orange Juice

Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 1

Current title: Shakespeare's Counselor
Pages read since last update: 101
Running total of pages read since you started: 101
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 61 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 61 minutes
Mini-challenges completed: 2 (Intro and Where In the World)
Food and Drink: Cheerios, Sausage links

Ready-Set-Go-Go-Read-a-Thon!

1)Where are you reading from today?
From home on the couch.

2)Three random facts about me…
I have a 10 pound, four-legged white canine ball of fluff as a reading partner. I'm putting off stitching a fat little bluebird to read today. My husband is a fabulous read-a-thon assistant. He keeps me fed and watered.

3)How many books do you have in your TBR pile for the next 24 hours?
I have over three dozen books out from the library but my read-a-thon pile is ten of the "fast" reads.

4)Do you have any goals for the read-a-thon (i.e. number of books, number of pages, number of hours, or number of comments on blogs)?
No, I enjoy the read-a-thon more if I keep things loose and unscheduled.

5)If you’re a veteran read-a-thoner, any advice for people doing this for the first time?
Be sure to have several easy reads - usually genre novels are best such as mystery, romance, YA and urban fantasy. Have more books than you think you can read so you have choices depending on your mood and energy level. Don't force yourself to finish a book you aren't enjoying or are struggling with. Put it aside for another day.