I've gotten some comments (anonymous, of course) lately that I haven't published that were very shaming. Do people honestly think that shaming will work? Do people think that I'm somehow not ashamed of my weight and how it affects the people I love and care about? Massive, heavy shame is part of my eating disorder. The more shame I feel, the more I want to eat. When I feel good about myself, I don't have the desire to overeat.
I feel so much shame, I feel like I am shame, rather than feel it as an emotion. I feel ashamed that I am even alive. I feel as if I don't deserve love or affection or companionship. The shame chokes me at times. I feel like I can't breathe through it. I want to shrink into an invisible ball.
I can't take care of myself. I can't dress myself. I'm almost totally isolated at home. I can't wipe my own butt most of the time. I smell awful within hours of a shower. I fight near constant yeast infections in my folds. I can't trim my own toenails or cook my own meals. How can I NOT FEEL SHAME?
Do people think that loading up a bigger pile of shame is somehow helpful? Are they mean or just ignorant?
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I'm sorry to hear that people out there think that shame is somehow a motivating tool; even sadder really that they think it is any of their business. It's perhaps too easy to feel superiority in the anonymity of the blogging world. Saying something along a similar vein to your face might be a different matter, not least because an inkling of the hurt that might be caused could prove a flaw in their perceived armour.
ReplyDeleteThe idea of shame is a really interesting and really powerful one. It's difficult for me to articulate exactly why but let me say: I cried when I watched this: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
This may not move you as it did me but it has helped me to try to learn how destructive shame is, and how completely undeserving anyone - ANYONE - is of feeling it.
Thanks for the link. I really liked it and sent it on to someone else who I thought would appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteScrew the trolls Morphy. Send 'em my way if want to try and bully someone.
ReplyDelete