I've gotten some comments (anonymous, of course) lately that I haven't published that were very shaming. Do people honestly think that shaming will work? Do people think that I'm somehow not ashamed of my weight and how it affects the people I love and care about? Massive, heavy shame is part of my eating disorder. The more shame I feel, the more I want to eat. When I feel good about myself, I don't have the desire to overeat.
I feel so much shame, I feel like I am shame, rather than feel it as an emotion. I feel ashamed that I am even alive. I feel as if I don't deserve love or affection or companionship. The shame chokes me at times. I feel like I can't breathe through it. I want to shrink into an invisible ball.
I can't take care of myself. I can't dress myself. I'm almost totally isolated at home. I can't wipe my own butt most of the time. I smell awful within hours of a shower. I fight near constant yeast infections in my folds. I can't trim my own toenails or cook my own meals. How can I NOT FEEL SHAME?
Do people think that loading up a bigger pile of shame is somehow helpful? Are they mean or just ignorant?