Thursday, September 30, 2010

Co-worker and Confrontation

A former co-worker committed suicide. I wasn't particularly close to her, but we were acquaintances. It seems she took a jet ski to the middle of the lake and shot herself in the head. She was just a few years younger than I am. I understand being in that dark place. I've been there a half-dozen times myself. Fortunately, I got the help I needed and now have the skills to cope if I start to feel that way again. I say fortunately because I needed those skills yesterday. I believe that there are studies that suicide is "contagious" and I certainly agree. I found myself going down well worn pathways of "There is no hope." and "I might as well give up." So, I called up a friend to talk about it and after about a forty-five minute conversation of sympathy and laughter, I felt so much better.

At least until I talked with my mother. After "suicide is selfish" and various questions about my weight and what I am "doing about it" and comments like she worries "they'll have to blow up doors or walls to get you out of the house," I was very upset. So I cried on my husband's shoulder and felt a bit better.

Does anyone honestly think that I don't worry about the same things myself? Does anyone honestly believe that it isn't constantly on my mind? Don't you know how hard I am working NO real life support? Insurance won't cover "weight loss programs" unless you are willing to do bariatric surgery. Which I am not. I don't know ANYONE who hasn't gained the weight back and/or has not had serious side effects. It is not worth it, not for me. And you have to make food and exercise changes that I am struggling with anyway. I would gain it all back! What use is that?

I need a personal REAL LIFE coach. I need medical support - both physical and mental. And I have no idea how to get it. The programs my insurance will cover (binge eating) don't support weight loss. And I can't afford to pay it on my own. My husband is a temp and I'm on disability. I'm to the point where I'm going to write to Oprah and the local news. Perhaps someone would be willing to help me out from the goodness of their heart. Universe, can you hear me? I NEED HELP!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Weigh In - 606, Up 2 Pounds

Well, heck. I guess it's not entirely unexpected. I've had a cold the last few days and I've been doing a little comfort eating. Nothing terrible, mostly chicken ramen, but I've been craving warm and soft foods. I'm also very tired which lessens my ability to make the best food choices. Lastly, my activity has gone from minimal to none. My plan today is to just journal my food. Nothing more, nothing less. No matter what. I've also gotten a load of dishes done which got me on my feet for a few minutes anyway.

One of the hardest things to battle is the sense of hopelessness. There is very little success out there in losing weight and keeping it off, especially when talking about hundreds of pounds to lose. There are a few people who have done it without surgery, and they are mostly men. I'm not sure what that means exactly other than I know I have a very hard road ahead and I simply don't know if I'm up for it.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Different Day, Same Place

The weight hasn't moved much at all in any direction. I've been hanging around 605 pounds for months now. I wish I knew what it would take for me to really get with the program. I need to journal my food and exercise daily. When I do those two things, the weight comes off. I need to be consistent and it's not happening.

There is always an excuse. For example, right now I'm sick and can't exercise. I could still journal my food, but my food isn't great because my will power is weak right now because I don't feel well. So, I don't want to see the calories. And it goes on.

I'm pondering a system I saw someone use to get started on losing a lot of weight. It's "one day on, one day off." I could do that. I can do just about anything for one day. It would also keep me from going on days long binges. I'm trying to make today an "on day" even without the exercise. My food is okay, not great. We'll see how it goes.