The last month has been pretty horrific as far as weigh gain and binge eating. I regained thirty pounds. Why is it when things are going well that the emotional stuff gets all yucky? My husband has a new job that he's really enjoying. I'm graduating with an Associates in Accounting with high honors (4.0 GPA.) And my eating is awful.
But I'm getting help. I've seen my doctor and she's fast tracking me back into the binge eating disorder program. I have appointments with a therapist and a nutritionist and in the next couple of weeks I should find out when my start date is for group. It meets three hours a week for four months. She also doubled the medication that helps with my binge eating and I'm already feeling the difference.
I'm trying not to get too down on myself. I haven't had a major binge episode in almost a year so I was bound to have one eventually, I guess. I caught it before I regained too much and as fast as I put it on, it shouldn't take me too terribly long to take back off. I lost five of it already in the last week.
This is a process, a journey. A long one. I need to be gentle with myself.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
At a Standstill
I'm sorry I haven't posted or moderated comments in the last several weeks. As you can tell from my weight, I've been at a standstill. I need to shake this off and get going again. Life has been very stressful and at least I'm not gaining, but I need forward movement.
My husband went for his two month exam at Mayo and there has been no change to his eye. So that is good news. He'll go back in four to five months for another check up.
Meanwhile, he quit his job. He's applied for unemployment because he quit because his job responsibilities changed. In some cases like his, they'll agree to pay benefits. But this means we have no income other than my disability which isn't enough to pay the bills.
School is also a struggle. This last class is a comprehensive review. What this means is that the textbook is high level and gives no detail. But we are taking four to five quizzes a week which are all detail. This means I do a lot of searching in my previous classes' textbooks and Googling. The quizzes are copy/pastes from the end of each chapter of the textbook. Every week I have to argue over incorrect answers. Half the "instructor" agrees with and changes, the other half she copy/pastes the explanation from the instructor textbook. This class is the pits!
I'll try to do better and not leave the blog languishing for six weeks at a time.
My husband went for his two month exam at Mayo and there has been no change to his eye. So that is good news. He'll go back in four to five months for another check up.
Meanwhile, he quit his job. He's applied for unemployment because he quit because his job responsibilities changed. In some cases like his, they'll agree to pay benefits. But this means we have no income other than my disability which isn't enough to pay the bills.
School is also a struggle. This last class is a comprehensive review. What this means is that the textbook is high level and gives no detail. But we are taking four to five quizzes a week which are all detail. This means I do a lot of searching in my previous classes' textbooks and Googling. The quizzes are copy/pastes from the end of each chapter of the textbook. Every week I have to argue over incorrect answers. Half the "instructor" agrees with and changes, the other half she copy/pastes the explanation from the instructor textbook. This class is the pits!
I'll try to do better and not leave the blog languishing for six weeks at a time.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Non-Scale Victories
Went to my doctor for a med check and my blood pressure was 90/60. Whoops. She said we are over-medicating my blood pressure and because I've lost so much weight, we need to reduce my blood pressure medications. Yay!
She also said that I've lost more weight than any other person she's known without weight loss surgery. The next person had lost 100 pounds. I've lost near twice that. Another yay!
I'm working on a current set of Before and After pics. I thought I had them ready but #1 Blogger is doing funky things like turning them on their side and #2 the before pics were taken at a different time of day and the tones are different. I don't like it so I want a new set taken. It might be the weekend before my husband can do so while the light is right since he works. I'm not seeing a lot of difference except in my face between the 555 pound pics and the 488 pound pics. Maybe you'll be able to when I get them posted.
She also said that I've lost more weight than any other person she's known without weight loss surgery. The next person had lost 100 pounds. I've lost near twice that. Another yay!
I'm working on a current set of Before and After pics. I thought I had them ready but #1 Blogger is doing funky things like turning them on their side and #2 the before pics were taken at a different time of day and the tones are different. I don't like it so I want a new set taken. It might be the weekend before my husband can do so while the light is right since he works. I'm not seeing a lot of difference except in my face between the 555 pound pics and the 488 pound pics. Maybe you'll be able to when I get them posted.
Monday, February 4, 2013
I Got a Do Over
Okay, it took a few weeks but I'm back to where I was. I gained twelve pounds after that binge and I've lost it again. I challenged myself to 30 days of under 2500 calories and posted my challenge to my friends on LibraryThing. Every day I post a "Day #" image for fun. I'm up to Day 8 and doing fine.
I'm still struggling with constant high levels of anxiety. Anxiety is what got me into this mess in the first place. I ate to self-medicate the anxiety. Now that I'm not eating, I have to sit with this. Medications don't work for me. Believe me, over the last twenty plus years, I've tried them all. Now that we are dealing with my husband's on-going health issues and job troubles, it's near constant and unrelenting. I don't even know what to do with myself any more. My stomach hurts and I have a constant sinking feeling. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I should go get some therapy but we simply can't afford it.
So I can't eat to soothe the anxiety because I have to take this weight off. But I don't know how much longer I can deal with this level of high emotion. If anyone has some ideas, I'd be willing to listen.
I'm still struggling with constant high levels of anxiety. Anxiety is what got me into this mess in the first place. I ate to self-medicate the anxiety. Now that I'm not eating, I have to sit with this. Medications don't work for me. Believe me, over the last twenty plus years, I've tried them all. Now that we are dealing with my husband's on-going health issues and job troubles, it's near constant and unrelenting. I don't even know what to do with myself any more. My stomach hurts and I have a constant sinking feeling. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I should go get some therapy but we simply can't afford it.
So I can't eat to soothe the anxiety because I have to take this weight off. But I don't know how much longer I can deal with this level of high emotion. If anyone has some ideas, I'd be willing to listen.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Crashed on the Other Side
It's been a bad couple of months. My husband was diagnosed with eye cancer and between dealing with doctors, finances and trying to "be strong" for him, I simply didn't have the time or energy to blog. I did okay with my eating until last week.
He went to Mayo for a second opinion and was told that in ninety percent of the cases like his, it just "sits there." So, he'll go back in two months for a recheck. If there are no changes, then he'll go back in four months, then eight months, then yearly. This is very different than the first doctor who immediately wanted us to chose between radiation or removal of the eye.
This was all such a relief that I went into a week long binge so I'm sure I'm going to have a significant gain this week. Weight loss of this magnitude is a long, hard journey and I didn't get to almost 700 pounds without have major issues with food. They aren't simply going to go away and my first knee-jerk coping mechanism is always going to reach for food. It's obviously getting better or I wouldn't have lost the weight that I have, but I can't kid myself that I'm never going to binge again. The best I can do is keep them to a minimum.
Typically, I just overeat for a meal which can be recovered from almost immediately. But after holding myself together for two months, I fell apart last Monday and into a depressive episode that lasted three days. Then I got into the "I'll start again tomorrow" for a few more days and now it's Sunday and oh, the weigh in tomorrow is going to be awful. Ish.
He went to Mayo for a second opinion and was told that in ninety percent of the cases like his, it just "sits there." So, he'll go back in two months for a recheck. If there are no changes, then he'll go back in four months, then eight months, then yearly. This is very different than the first doctor who immediately wanted us to chose between radiation or removal of the eye.
This was all such a relief that I went into a week long binge so I'm sure I'm going to have a significant gain this week. Weight loss of this magnitude is a long, hard journey and I didn't get to almost 700 pounds without have major issues with food. They aren't simply going to go away and my first knee-jerk coping mechanism is always going to reach for food. It's obviously getting better or I wouldn't have lost the weight that I have, but I can't kid myself that I'm never going to binge again. The best I can do is keep them to a minimum.
Typically, I just overeat for a meal which can be recovered from almost immediately. But after holding myself together for two months, I fell apart last Monday and into a depressive episode that lasted three days. Then I got into the "I'll start again tomorrow" for a few more days and now it's Sunday and oh, the weigh in tomorrow is going to be awful. Ish.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Past the 500 Mark!
I finally did it! I made it past the 500 mark and now am in the 400's for the first time in over a decade, if not longer. Slow but sure is winning this race.
My blog got mentioned in Reddit and some of the comments were absolutely vicious. Some people were saying I should be losing weight faster if I were "really" trying. But you know what? How many of those super morbidly obese people who lost weight faster put it right back on? I'm making permanent lifestyle changes and the weight is staying off. I'm not yo-yo dieting here.
People assume that I ate 10,000 to 15,000 calories a day. Well, no, I wasn't. My metabolism was tested and just to maintain my current weight I only need to eat 3,000 calories a day. That's right. Just 3,000 calories. So, to lose 2 pounds a week, I eat around 2,000 calories a day. There isn't any way for me to lose it faster in a healthy manner.
Just 98 more pounds and the doctors will be able to take the "apron" off and I'll be able to take care of my own hygiene. I'll be thrilled out of my mind. I'll be able to walk without my knees having to lift my belly out of the way with each step. I'll be able to sit on the couch without needing the ottoman to rest my belly on. I can't wait!
My blog got mentioned in Reddit and some of the comments were absolutely vicious. Some people were saying I should be losing weight faster if I were "really" trying. But you know what? How many of those super morbidly obese people who lost weight faster put it right back on? I'm making permanent lifestyle changes and the weight is staying off. I'm not yo-yo dieting here.
People assume that I ate 10,000 to 15,000 calories a day. Well, no, I wasn't. My metabolism was tested and just to maintain my current weight I only need to eat 3,000 calories a day. That's right. Just 3,000 calories. So, to lose 2 pounds a week, I eat around 2,000 calories a day. There isn't any way for me to lose it faster in a healthy manner.
Just 98 more pounds and the doctors will be able to take the "apron" off and I'll be able to take care of my own hygiene. I'll be thrilled out of my mind. I'll be able to walk without my knees having to lift my belly out of the way with each step. I'll be able to sit on the couch without needing the ottoman to rest my belly on. I can't wait!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Struggling
I've been struggling for the last month and haven't posted. I don't like posting when I'm struggling for some reason. I feel like a loser during those times. I was up to 513 and am now back down to 506. My goal was to be under 500 by the end of the month. I won't make it and I'm disappointed in myself.
Most of it is emotional eating. Funny, I didn't overeat when my husband lost his job, but when he got a new one, watch out! I was over my calorie range for ten days in a row. Ew? And now we are in the midst of a cancer scare. He might have retinal cancer and it is stressing us out. I've got my eating mostly back under control and have lost what I gained. I can't tell you how much I HATE having to re-lose weight. I'm still averaging 2300 calories a day and I want to run 2000 - 2200. I'll get there, I suppose.
I also really need to focus on exercising consistently. My biggest barrier there is fatigue. I'm so tired all the time. Just the thought of exercising exhausts me. I know that eventually exercise will increase my energy level but it will take weeks or months until I get to that point. Perhaps after my husband's exam on Monday and we know what is going one way or the other, I'll have the gumption to get going on that.
Meanwhile, the spammers have come out in droves. Be grateful that I moderate comments. Yeah, it may take time for your comment to show up, but at least you aren't seeing all the spam comments I'm getting. Sheesh!
Most of it is emotional eating. Funny, I didn't overeat when my husband lost his job, but when he got a new one, watch out! I was over my calorie range for ten days in a row. Ew? And now we are in the midst of a cancer scare. He might have retinal cancer and it is stressing us out. I've got my eating mostly back under control and have lost what I gained. I can't tell you how much I HATE having to re-lose weight. I'm still averaging 2300 calories a day and I want to run 2000 - 2200. I'll get there, I suppose.
I also really need to focus on exercising consistently. My biggest barrier there is fatigue. I'm so tired all the time. Just the thought of exercising exhausts me. I know that eventually exercise will increase my energy level but it will take weeks or months until I get to that point. Perhaps after my husband's exam on Monday and we know what is going one way or the other, I'll have the gumption to get going on that.
Meanwhile, the spammers have come out in droves. Be grateful that I moderate comments. Yeah, it may take time for your comment to show up, but at least you aren't seeing all the spam comments I'm getting. Sheesh!
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