Thursday, September 30, 2010

Co-worker and Confrontation

A former co-worker committed suicide. I wasn't particularly close to her, but we were acquaintances. It seems she took a jet ski to the middle of the lake and shot herself in the head. She was just a few years younger than I am. I understand being in that dark place. I've been there a half-dozen times myself. Fortunately, I got the help I needed and now have the skills to cope if I start to feel that way again. I say fortunately because I needed those skills yesterday. I believe that there are studies that suicide is "contagious" and I certainly agree. I found myself going down well worn pathways of "There is no hope." and "I might as well give up." So, I called up a friend to talk about it and after about a forty-five minute conversation of sympathy and laughter, I felt so much better.

At least until I talked with my mother. After "suicide is selfish" and various questions about my weight and what I am "doing about it" and comments like she worries "they'll have to blow up doors or walls to get you out of the house," I was very upset. So I cried on my husband's shoulder and felt a bit better.

Does anyone honestly think that I don't worry about the same things myself? Does anyone honestly believe that it isn't constantly on my mind? Don't you know how hard I am working NO real life support? Insurance won't cover "weight loss programs" unless you are willing to do bariatric surgery. Which I am not. I don't know ANYONE who hasn't gained the weight back and/or has not had serious side effects. It is not worth it, not for me. And you have to make food and exercise changes that I am struggling with anyway. I would gain it all back! What use is that?

I need a personal REAL LIFE coach. I need medical support - both physical and mental. And I have no idea how to get it. The programs my insurance will cover (binge eating) don't support weight loss. And I can't afford to pay it on my own. My husband is a temp and I'm on disability. I'm to the point where I'm going to write to Oprah and the local news. Perhaps someone would be willing to help me out from the goodness of their heart. Universe, can you hear me? I NEED HELP!

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