Monday, April 11, 2011

So It Goes

I can't put this off anymore. Too much is going wrong and it's all at least in part due to my weight. Our finances, our mental health, our home. I need to be able to work, do household chores, walk my dog, be a partner to my husband. I want to be able to walk around the block, be out in the sunshine, swim, go to a show, shop.

In a year, I'll be done with school that the state has paid for and they will expect me to find work. I won't be able to work if I can't walk into a building for an interview or sit in an armed chair. I can't work if I can't keep myself clean during the day or can't sit for more than a few hours without pain.

I want to be able to keep our house clean. My husband does have the time or energy to do it the way I'd like. It's not his fault. He has to do everything now. He's so depressed and feeling hopeless. I have GOT to get this under control. I must.


  1. I don't have the resources to get weight-loss surgery or I would have. But there is another way and it's working for me. After all the only thing surgery does is to physically make it difficult to overeat ... one still must do the mental work in order for it to be sucessful.

    This man has lost 190 pounds with his almost gastric by-pass plan in LESS THAN A YEAR. Start at the beginning and see how he is doing it. He talks tough but is willing to cheerlead those that are serious about losing.

    One of his readers is following along and is rocking it!

    I don't know these two other than reading their blogs, but I find them inspirational. Maybe you will too.

    You can do this. One day at a time.

    Me ... I've reached a weight I haven't seen in 15 years. Wow, I feel GREAT and so much more energetic even though I still have a long way to go.

  2. I understand the way you feel. Just hitting 30, it is a reality I live with on a daily basis. Sometimes, I think that I must have hated myself so much to put myself in this position. So now I am here. I am closing in on 500 lbs, and I feel that I am letting everyone I love down. I have tried Weight Watchers, and I have tried to eat right and failed miserably. What is it that makes it sooo hard to stay committed? I want to live. So yes the weight loss is important. I just can’t get over the lethargic feelings that make me not do anything. I have a very beautiful wife that adores me, and I do the same for her, but I have all but ruined our sex life, and any chances of getting a family started. I want to be smaller so I can take a walk in the grocery store without being winded...I want to be able to help her clean the house...I want to make passionate love to my wife the way I used to! (BTW, I had to start taking testosterone because my fat is absorbing all of my naturally produced T, which was making me not want to be intimate at all...TMI, maybe, but I need to get this all out, for once...) I want to be the man she needs me to be. And I know I can't do any of that at my current weight. So why can't I break this pattern? Why do I continue to feel depressed about how much I weigh, and why does that make me want to eat more to stop the depression? Why can't I force myself to get off my ass, and why when I do can't I do more than a few things without being in such excruciating pain? Like you, I can't wipe myself the way I want to, and I just refuse to have her help me with that. I just can't... Morph, it's like all the right things to do are in my head, but I can't get pass this mental block in my brain to just do the right damn things. I just don’t want a heart attack to be my wake up call. Because I may not survive it! Like you, I need a circle of true support. People who can actually understand how I feel because they have been through it. a lot of people like to sympathize with obese people and try to rationalize what we are and how we got where we are. If you've never been obese, you don’t get never can and never will. Can some skinny SOB tell me how jealous it makes me to see someone running down the street? It looks sooo free. I want to do that. I have dreams where I run for miles, never getting tired. I feel so energetic, and then I wake up to this reality. In this reality, it takes everything I have just to get out of bed, because I’m so tired from not sleeping last night because of sleep apnea and waaay too many trips to the bathroom overnight. In this reality, I go to work extra early because I don’t want to have to park too far from the door. In this reality, no one understands that it hurts just to walk. Even my wife, as understanding and loving as she is, does not understand. Making me shop for groceries is like a death sentence. Yes...I’m the one you see humped over the buggy, using it like a giant walker... Yes, I’m the one who takes frequent stops to lean up against various things because my back is hurting so bad I can hardly breathe. Yes, I’m the one that gets so frustrated because I never wanted to be in this dumb ass store anyway, and now I’m in pain and nobody seems to get why I so upset. And yes, I am the one who takes this frustration out on my wife, who above anything else just wants me to be with her, because she loves me. And soon, I'll probably be the one who forces her to leave me because she feels that I am a lazy, attitudinal, jackass who just doesn't want to be seen with her in public, doesn't want to sex her in private, and is always pissed off or whining about how much pain I am in. God help me, because I don’t want this to happen. All these things could be fixed if I could just loose the weight. So tomorrow, I start my journey again...I want to succeed, but everything in me is setting me up to fail. Someone please help me...Please...

  3. My heart goes out to you. I understand the pain of not being able to stick to a plan, of not getting any help, of wanting to have a life. I'm 45 and finally just got tired of losing and regaining the weight. Start with small things. My first suggestion is to go to and start tracking your food every day. That is the biggest thing that has helped me. Keep trying and never give up.


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