Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: The heart is only good for so many beats, and that is it. Don't waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up the heart does not make you live longer; it is like saying you extend the life of a car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take water out of the fruity bits so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is no pain - good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU ARE NOT LISTENING! Food is fried in vegetable oil. How is getting more vegetables bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It is the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for the figure, explain the whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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