Eating while reading is my vice. And it's one that I'm not willing to give up at this point nor do I know if I'll ever be ready. The best I can do is to control the quantity and quality of food I eat while reading. Nothing is more comforting to me than to hunker down with something warm and soft to eat while reading an absorbing novel. The world goes away with all its pain and distress and for a couple hours I can escape. I've learned now to deal better with my emotions, but I still like to "go away."
I remember my first binge when I was nine years old. I loved the white rice at school even though no one else did. One day a bunch of kids gave me theirs and I ate and read and read and ate. It was probably about five or six servings of rice.
My husband and I have gone out to eat for decades and we always bring our books. We also used to smoke like chimneys but thankfully that is over now.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Do People Ever Think?
I've gotten some comments (anonymous, of course) lately that I haven't published that were very shaming. Do people honestly think that shaming will work? Do people think that I'm somehow not ashamed of my weight and how it affects the people I love and care about? Massive, heavy shame is part of my eating disorder. The more shame I feel, the more I want to eat. When I feel good about myself, I don't have the desire to overeat.
I feel so much shame, I feel like I am shame, rather than feel it as an emotion. I feel ashamed that I am even alive. I feel as if I don't deserve love or affection or companionship. The shame chokes me at times. I feel like I can't breathe through it. I want to shrink into an invisible ball.
I can't take care of myself. I can't dress myself. I'm almost totally isolated at home. I can't wipe my own butt most of the time. I smell awful within hours of a shower. I fight near constant yeast infections in my folds. I can't trim my own toenails or cook my own meals. How can I NOT FEEL SHAME?
Do people think that loading up a bigger pile of shame is somehow helpful? Are they mean or just ignorant?
I feel so much shame, I feel like I am shame, rather than feel it as an emotion. I feel ashamed that I am even alive. I feel as if I don't deserve love or affection or companionship. The shame chokes me at times. I feel like I can't breathe through it. I want to shrink into an invisible ball.
I can't take care of myself. I can't dress myself. I'm almost totally isolated at home. I can't wipe my own butt most of the time. I smell awful within hours of a shower. I fight near constant yeast infections in my folds. I can't trim my own toenails or cook my own meals. How can I NOT FEEL SHAME?
Do people think that loading up a bigger pile of shame is somehow helpful? Are they mean or just ignorant?
Monday, April 11, 2011
So It Goes
I can't put this off anymore. Too much is going wrong and it's all at least in part due to my weight. Our finances, our mental health, our home. I need to be able to work, do household chores, walk my dog, be a partner to my husband. I want to be able to walk around the block, be out in the sunshine, swim, go to a show, shop.
In a year, I'll be done with school that the state has paid for and they will expect me to find work. I won't be able to work if I can't walk into a building for an interview or sit in an armed chair. I can't work if I can't keep myself clean during the day or can't sit for more than a few hours without pain.
I want to be able to keep our house clean. My husband does have the time or energy to do it the way I'd like. It's not his fault. He has to do everything now. He's so depressed and feeling hopeless. I have GOT to get this under control. I must.
In a year, I'll be done with school that the state has paid for and they will expect me to find work. I won't be able to work if I can't walk into a building for an interview or sit in an armed chair. I can't work if I can't keep myself clean during the day or can't sit for more than a few hours without pain.
I want to be able to keep our house clean. My husband does have the time or energy to do it the way I'd like. It's not his fault. He has to do everything now. He's so depressed and feeling hopeless. I have GOT to get this under control. I must.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: End of Event Meme
1. Which hour was most daunting for you?
Mid-afternoon when I realized I was very tired and wouldn't be able to stay up late.
2. Could you list a few high-interest books that you think could keep a Reader engaged for next year?
Room by Emma Donoghue worked well. Very intense but quick read.
3. Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the Read-a-thon next year?
This was the best yet. I liked the mini-challenges this year as none took a long time.
4. What do you think worked really well in this year’s Read-a-thon?
The mini-challenges.
5. How many books did you read?
3
6. What were the names of the books you read?
Shakepeare's Counselor by Charlaine Harris, Room by Emma Donoghue, Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
7. Which book did you enjoy most?
Room by Emma Donoghue
8. Which did you enjoy least?
Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
9. How likely are you to participate in the Read-a-thon again? What role would you be likely to take next time?
Unlikely. I spend too much time blogging and doing challenges and not enough actually reading. I'll do various read-a-thons at LibraryThing where the focus is on reading.
Mid-afternoon when I realized I was very tired and wouldn't be able to stay up late.
2. Could you list a few high-interest books that you think could keep a Reader engaged for next year?
Room by Emma Donoghue worked well. Very intense but quick read.
3. Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the Read-a-thon next year?
This was the best yet. I liked the mini-challenges this year as none took a long time.
4. What do you think worked really well in this year’s Read-a-thon?
The mini-challenges.
5. How many books did you read?
3
6. What were the names of the books you read?
Shakepeare's Counselor by Charlaine Harris, Room by Emma Donoghue, Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
7. Which book did you enjoy most?
Room by Emma Donoghue
8. Which did you enjoy least?
Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
9. How likely are you to participate in the Read-a-thon again? What role would you be likely to take next time?
Unlikely. I spend too much time blogging and doing challenges and not enough actually reading. I'll do various read-a-thons at LibraryThing where the focus is on reading.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 13
Current title: Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
Pages read since last update: 245
Running total of pages read since you started: 1106
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 112 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 616 minutes
Books Completed: 3
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Hershey Candy-Coated Chocolate Eggs, Flavorite
And I'm done for this read-a-thon and headed off to bed!
Pages read since last update: 245
Running total of pages read since you started: 1106
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 112 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 616 minutes
Books Completed: 3
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Hershey Candy-Coated Chocolate Eggs, Flavorite
And I'm done for this read-a-thon and headed off to bed!
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 11
Current title: Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
Pages read since last update: 141
Running total of pages read since you started: 861
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 72 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 504 minutes
Books Completed: 2
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Roasted Chicken, Rice, Green Beans
Pages read since last update: 141
Running total of pages read since you started: 861
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 72 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 504 minutes
Books Completed: 2
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Roasted Chicken, Rice, Green Beans
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Mid-Event Meme
1. What are you reading right now?
Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
2. How many books have you read so far?
2
3. What book are you most looking forward to for the second half of the Read-a-thon?
Nothing in particular.
4. Did you have to make any special arrangements to free up your whole day?
No.
5. Have you had many interruptions? How did you deal with those?
As usual, I'm spending more time blogging and doing challenges than I'd like.
6. What surprises you most about the Read-a-thon, so far?
I'm reading less than I have in previous events. Not sure why.
7. Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the Read-a-thon next year?
Not that I can think of. The challenges are great this time. Nice and short.
8. What would you do differently, as a Reader or a Cheerleader, if you were to do this again next year?
9. Are you getting tired yet?
Yes, I won't last more than a few more hours.
10. Do you have any tips for other Readers or Cheerleaders, something you think is working well for you that others may not have discovered?
Just remember to have books that are easy reads.
Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
2. How many books have you read so far?
2
3. What book are you most looking forward to for the second half of the Read-a-thon?
Nothing in particular.
4. Did you have to make any special arrangements to free up your whole day?
No.
5. Have you had many interruptions? How did you deal with those?
As usual, I'm spending more time blogging and doing challenges than I'd like.
6. What surprises you most about the Read-a-thon, so far?
I'm reading less than I have in previous events. Not sure why.
7. Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the Read-a-thon next year?
Not that I can think of. The challenges are great this time. Nice and short.
8. What would you do differently, as a Reader or a Cheerleader, if you were to do this again next year?
9. Are you getting tired yet?
Yes, I won't last more than a few more hours.
10. Do you have any tips for other Readers or Cheerleaders, something you think is working well for you that others may not have discovered?
Just remember to have books that are easy reads.
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 10
Current title: Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
Pages read since last update: 82
Running total of pages read since you started: 720
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 46 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 432 minutes
Books Completed: 2
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Apple, Cashews
Pages read since last update: 82
Running total of pages read since you started: 720
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 46 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 432 minutes
Books Completed: 2
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Apple, Cashews
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 9
Current title: Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
Pages read since last update: 58
Running total of pages read since you started: 638
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 36 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 386 minutes
Books Completed: 2
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Hot Dog, Banana Bread
Pages read since last update: 58
Running total of pages read since you started: 638
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 36 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 386 minutes
Books Completed: 2
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Hot Dog, Banana Bread
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 8
Current title: Lover Enshrined by J. R. Ward
Pages read since last update: 66
Running total of pages read since you started: 580
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 44 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 350 minutes
Books Completed: 2
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Banana Bread
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 7
Current title: Room by Emma Donoghue
Pages read since last update: 73
Running total of pages read since you started: 514
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 46 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 306 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 1 (Book Challenge Recommendations)
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Fried Chicken Thigh, Mac & Cheese Bites
Pages read since last update: 73
Running total of pages read since you started: 514
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 46 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 306 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 1 (Book Challenge Recommendations)
Mini-challenges won: 0
Food and Drink: Fried Chicken Thigh, Mac & Cheese Bites
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 6
Current title: Room by Emma Donoghue
Pages read since last update: 67
Running total of pages read since you started: 441
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 36 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 260 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 1 (Intro Meme)
Food and Drink: -
Pages read since last update: 67
Running total of pages read since you started: 441
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 36 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 260 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Mini-challenges won: 1 (Intro Meme)
Food and Drink: -
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 5
Current title: Room by Emma Donoghue
Pages read since last update: 72
Running total of pages read since you started: 374
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 42 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 224 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 1 (Book Boyfriend Matchmaker)
Food and Drink: Subway Meatball Sub, Cheetos, Diet Sprite, Chocolate Glazed Donut
Pages read since last update: 72
Running total of pages read since you started: 374
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 42 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 224 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 1 (Book Boyfriend Matchmaker)
Food and Drink: Subway Meatball Sub, Cheetos, Diet Sprite, Chocolate Glazed Donut
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 4
Current title: Room by Emma Donoghue
Pages read since last update: 59
Running total of pages read since you started: 302
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 44 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 182 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 2 (Book Puzzle, A Literary Odyssey)
Food and Drink: Girl Scout Thin Mints
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 3
Current title: Shakespeare's Counselor
Pages read since last update: 70
Running total of pages read since you started: 243
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 37 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 138 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Food and Drink: -
Pages read since last update: 70
Running total of pages read since you started: 243
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 37 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 138 minutes
Books Completed: 1
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Food and Drink: -
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 2
Current title: Shakespeare's Counselor
Pages read since last update: 73
Running total of pages read since you started: 173
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 40 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 101 minutes
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Food and Drink: Chicken and Rice, Orange Juice
Pages read since last update: 73
Running total of pages read since you started: 173
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 40 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 101 minutes
Mini-challenges completed: 0
Food and Drink: Chicken and Rice, Orange Juice
Dewey's Read-a-Thon: Hour 1
Current title: Shakespeare's Counselor
Pages read since last update: 101
Running total of pages read since you started: 101
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 61 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 61 minutes
Mini-challenges completed: 2 (Intro and Where In the World)
Food and Drink: Cheerios, Sausage links
Ready-Set-Go-Go-Read-a-Thon!
1)Where are you reading from today?
From home on the couch.
2)Three random facts about me…
I have a 10 pound, four-legged white canine ball of fluff as a reading partner. I'm putting off stitching a fat little bluebird to read today. My husband is a fabulous read-a-thon assistant. He keeps me fed and watered.
3)How many books do you have in your TBR pile for the next 24 hours?
I have over three dozen books out from the library but my read-a-thon pile is ten of the "fast" reads.
4)Do you have any goals for the read-a-thon (i.e. number of books, number of pages, number of hours, or number of comments on blogs)?
No, I enjoy the read-a-thon more if I keep things loose and unscheduled.
5)If you’re a veteran read-a-thoner, any advice for people doing this for the first time?
Be sure to have several easy reads - usually genre novels are best such as mystery, romance, YA and urban fantasy. Have more books than you think you can read so you have choices depending on your mood and energy level. Don't force yourself to finish a book you aren't enjoying or are struggling with. Put it aside for another day.
From home on the couch.
2)Three random facts about me…
I have a 10 pound, four-legged white canine ball of fluff as a reading partner. I'm putting off stitching a fat little bluebird to read today. My husband is a fabulous read-a-thon assistant. He keeps me fed and watered.
3)How many books do you have in your TBR pile for the next 24 hours?
I have over three dozen books out from the library but my read-a-thon pile is ten of the "fast" reads.
4)Do you have any goals for the read-a-thon (i.e. number of books, number of pages, number of hours, or number of comments on blogs)?
No, I enjoy the read-a-thon more if I keep things loose and unscheduled.
5)If you’re a veteran read-a-thoner, any advice for people doing this for the first time?
Be sure to have several easy reads - usually genre novels are best such as mystery, romance, YA and urban fantasy. Have more books than you think you can read so you have choices depending on your mood and energy level. Don't force yourself to finish a book you aren't enjoying or are struggling with. Put it aside for another day.
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