Monday, February 4, 2013

I Got a Do Over

Okay, it took a few weeks but I'm back to where I was. I gained twelve pounds after that binge and I've lost it again. I challenged myself to 30 days of under 2500 calories and posted my challenge to my friends on LibraryThing. Every day I post a "Day #" image for fun. I'm up to Day 8 and doing fine.

I'm still struggling with constant high levels of anxiety. Anxiety is what got me into this mess in the first place. I ate to self-medicate the anxiety. Now that I'm not eating, I have to sit with this.  Medications don't work for me. Believe me, over the last twenty plus years, I've tried them all. Now that we are dealing with my husband's on-going health issues and job troubles, it's near constant and unrelenting. I don't even know what to do with myself any more. My stomach hurts and I have a constant sinking feeling. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I should go get some therapy but we simply can't afford it.

So I can't eat to soothe the anxiety because I have to take this weight off. But I don't know how much longer I can deal with this level of high emotion. If anyone has some ideas, I'd be willing to listen.


  1. Hi Morph,
    I feel for you and pray that things will ease up.
    When I am very stressed or anxious and upset, I meditate. It does wonders. There are many sites that offer free guided meditations to get you started. Give it a try. I'm including a link for you.

    Thoughts and prayers are with you and your hubby. Hang in there Morph.

    Cyber hugs,

  2. Sometimes I think this weight business is just not fair *sigh* and thin people are just somehow inherently different to those of us with weight issues. I basically have to change who I am, how I think, act, everything & go into a weight loss "vacuum" that just can't last. But Morph - 166 total pounds lost (or 75kg for us metric users) if I read correctly? Brilliant!!!

  3. Hi Morphy! Too bad you're not feeling well lately. :( I guess the best thing to do is find a substitute for eating - something else that will calm your anxiety. But I'm sure you've already thought of that. Perhaps you should just read a whole bunch more. ;)

  4. Hi. I found your blog pretty much by accident today - I was trying to distract myself from making a mad frenzied attack on my childrens biscuit and crisp supplies actually, and looking for some inspiration/motivation to carry on slogging up my own weightloss hill (a smaller hill than yours, to be sure, but it still feels pretty bloody steep sometimes!). Anyway, I just wanted to say that I think you are completely fantastic. I have never read such an open, honest and brave blog, and I really feel for you having so many other issues to cope with on top of your weightloss... but you will do it, you really will. I can just feel the determination coming through in your writing, and I hope you can take some comfort from all the goodwill coming from your readers out here... I'll be thinking of you. Thinking of you and absolutely NOT going near those biscuits. Thank you so much! xx

  5. Sorry to hear you're going through a tough patch! Have you considered going vegetarian? All those hormones and antibiotics in meat are pretty bad for you. I'm now predominantly vegetarian and am much more emotionally settled as a result. Vegetarianism is also good for the wallet...

    Alternatively, would the 5:2 diet be thing for you?

    Stay strong!

  6. Hang in there honey. I wish I had advice for you, all I can say is look how far you have come and gain determination for the future from what you have already accomplished. Lot of people, folks you don't even know, out there are proud of you from reading about your journey here. You have an amazing amount of courage to tackle your problems head on, and with a grace and a sense of humor, no less:)

    Maybe it is time to celebrate a little, have you done that yet? It is so easy during any big project (like losing weight) to always focus on the end goal. Since that is a long term one, it is easy to get bogged when life gets tough. So celebrate a little about the progress you have made.

    You're one tough lady to have cone this far already and I know that you can keep it up.

  7. I know you don't publish anonymous comments, and that's ok! I just wondered, with all the focus on food quantity that you have, whether you've thought about food quality as well? As soon as I stopped eating processed food and cheap meat, not only did my weight stabilise at a healthy BMI, but my emotions stabilised too. I'm much more balanced as a person and have so much more energy to enjoy life. Healthy veg cooked fresh is actually cheaper than crappy meat nuked in a microwave. A salad only takes a few seconds to prepare.

  8. Dear Morph, I wish I could offer some wise, helpful ideas for you. I have an inkling of what you must be going through (we all have high stress, worry-torn times in our lives) and it's always so hard to find something that works for you. I admire your dedication and determination so much. Please know that I'm cheering for you, holding you in my heart and wishing for the very best for you. Hang in there, please keep trying to not give up. You have accomplished so much already. Lots of hugs, Katherine (katylit)

  9. You should check the public health system in your area, they often have free counseling. Also congratulations on the weight you have lost.

  10. When we endeavor to accomplish difficult tasks, it takes more than desire to reach our goals. You have taken on the challenge of radically changing your entire life and that is admirable. Never got weighed down, by the path that has led you to the place that you are, instead, be inspired by the possibilities that lie in the road ahead. Those that criticize should be ignored, because they speak from a place of their own insecurities or inadequacies. Your honestly shows that you are bold and brave. Your journey, is just that, YOUR journey. It is not to be compared or judged by anyone other than you. I hope that you maintain your focus to keep moving forward, one step, one day at a time.

    Anxiety is something I have struggled with too. It can be crippling. One thing that has helped me, is meditation. Forcing myself to sit in a quiet space and just listen to the dialog in my head and answering back: "I am OK, this feeling will pass, I am OK. Give me strength give me peace. I am OK, this feeling will pass."

    Press on!

  11. Hey, I just wanted to say that I understand completely how you feel. Even though I do not have weight problems (I actually lose apettite when I'm this anxious), I understand you so well it makes me wanna cry when I remember all those feelings. Luckily for me the meds work fine and after some years of therapy and big life changes I'm doing pretty good. What worked for me (at least for a couple of hours) was sex: no kidding, it really worked nice. I don't know if you and your husband are able to do it now, but even masturbating relieved a lot of tension. Hope you feel better.

  12. Gypsy, thanks for the meditation link. I'll check it out.

    Anonymous 2/6, yes, it's very frustrating. I certainly don't eat as much as people might think. I can eat just 2500 calories a day and not lose weight. At my weight, that just seems crazy.

    Rachel, only problem is that one of my weaknesses is eating and reading!

    Caitlin, I'm glad I could inspire you. It's why I continue to blog.

    Anonymous 2/10, no, I won't go vegetarian. I consider humans to be omnivores and omnivore I will stay. I do however try to eat at least five fruits and vegetables per day.

  13. Anonymous 2/11, no, I can't say I celebrate my losses all that much. I'm so down on myself for gaining all the weight in the first place, I just expect that weight loss is something I need to do to be a decent person. Sad, isn't it?

    katylit, thanks for your support. It means a lot.

    Ann-Marie, good idea. I'll look into it.

    Kat, beautiful comment. Thank you for the lovely support.

    Anonymous 2/15, we haven't had sex for many years for reasons other than my health or size and masturbation has had about as much pleasure as a really good sneeze lately, but thanks for the thought!


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