June Update aka Boring Post Title

I am struggling badly with my weight and have gained again. I lost 12 of the 30 pounds but then I regained it plus more.  However, the binge eating group has started and I'm seeing a dietitian and therapist. I'm getting the help I need to get me back on track. I'm determined to beat this beast. I will not go back to where I was before.

My previous post got a couple comments with suggestions on diet changes that I will not be following. Instead, I'm working with a dietitian and will be following her instructions. I will not be doing low anything. Binge eaters must be careful to not restrict food and to eat balanced meals in moderate portions. Saying "this has got to go" or having "good" foods and "bad" foods can bring about a binge. Being binge free is more important than anything else. When I don't binge, I eat moderately, if not perfectly, and lose weight. My current plan with her is to just keep my calories under 2500.

The first binge eating group was simply introductions and a lot of administrative stuff. I'm hoping that the second meeting this afternoon is more informative.

What I Eat

I try to shoot for 2000 to 2200 calories per day though if I'm under 2500 I'm happy. At that rate, I tend to lose two pounds per week.

Breakfast: 1 cup of Shredded Wheat or 1 cup of Special K or 1 serving or oatmeal, 1 cup of skim milk, 2 teaspoons of sugar

AM Snack: Ham or turkey sandwich (1 oz.) on whole wheat bread (1 slice) with a "smear" of Miracle Whip, lettuce, and a "nice" cheese (about 1/2 oz.) from the deli. This week it's colby.

Lunch: Meals on Wheels (entree/starch/vegetable/dessert) OR leftovers from double batch cooking (usually soup or a casserole) on the weekend plus applesauce and one store bought cookie OR lunch at senior center (again entree/starch/vegetable/dessert)

PM Snack: Triscuits (6), Laughing Cow Lite (2), fruit (grape, apples or cantaloupe, etc.)

Dinner: Varies widely. Some examples:

- Roast chicken quarter, mashed potatoes, broccoli, 1/2 cup butter pecan ice cream
- Chicken soup, rice crispie bar
- Tuna melt, salad with Thousand Island Light Done Right, 1 snack-sized Mound bar
- Beef Mushroom over egg noodles, Steamfresh pea pods, 1/2 ounce Sno Caps
- 2 hard boiled eggs, 3 sausage, 9 Crispie Crowns, toast, 1 Pecan Sandie
- Baked ziti, broccoli/cauliflower mix, Weight Watchers ice cream treat

Evening: Fla-vor-ice (15 calories)

I drink only water.

Struggling but Back on the Bandwagon

The last month has been pretty horrific as far as weigh gain and binge eating. I regained thirty pounds. Why is it when things are going well that the emotional stuff gets all yucky? My husband has a new job that he's really enjoying. I'm graduating with an Associates in Accounting with high honors (4.0 GPA.) And my eating is awful.

But I'm getting help. I've seen my doctor and she's fast tracking me back into the binge eating disorder program. I have appointments with a therapist and a nutritionist and in the next couple of weeks I should find out when my start date is for group. It meets three hours a week for four months. She also doubled the medication that helps with my binge eating and I'm already feeling the difference.

I'm trying not to get too down on myself. I haven't had a major binge episode in almost a year so I was bound to have one eventually, I guess. I caught it before I regained too much and as fast as I put it on, it shouldn't take me too terribly long to take back off. I lost five of it already in the last week.

This is a process, a journey. A long one. I need to be gentle with myself.

At a Standstill

I'm sorry I haven't posted or moderated comments in the last several weeks. As you can tell from my weight, I've been at a standstill. I need to shake this off and get going again. Life has been very stressful and at least I'm not gaining, but I need forward movement.

My husband went for his two month exam at Mayo and there has been no change to his eye. So that is good news. He'll go back in four to five months for another check up.

Meanwhile, he quit his job. He's applied for unemployment because he quit because his job responsibilities changed. In some cases like his, they'll agree to pay benefits. But this means we have no income other than my disability which isn't enough to pay the bills.

School is also a struggle. This last class is a comprehensive review. What this means is that the textbook is high level and gives no detail. But we are taking four to five quizzes a week which are all detail. This means I do a lot of searching in my previous classes' textbooks and Googling. The quizzes are copy/pastes from the end of each chapter of the textbook. Every week I have to argue over incorrect answers. Half the "instructor" agrees with and changes, the other half she copy/pastes the explanation from the instructor textbook. This class is the pits!

I'll try to do better and not leave the blog languishing for six weeks at a time.

Non-Scale Victories

Went to my doctor for a med check and my blood pressure was 90/60. Whoops. She said we are over-medicating my blood pressure and because I've lost so much weight, we need to reduce my blood pressure medications. Yay!

She also said that I've lost more weight than any other person she's known without weight loss surgery. The next person had lost 100 pounds. I've lost near twice that. Another yay!

I'm working on a current set of Before and After pics. I thought I had them ready but #1 Blogger is doing funky things like turning them on their side and #2 the before pics were taken at a different time of day and the tones are different. I don't like it so I want a new set taken. It might be the weekend before my husband can do so while the light is right since he works. I'm not seeing a lot of difference except in my face between the 555 pound pics and the 488 pound pics. Maybe you'll be able to when I get them posted.

I Got a Do Over

Okay, it took a few weeks but I'm back to where I was. I gained twelve pounds after that binge and I've lost it again. I challenged myself to 30 days of under 2500 calories and posted my challenge to my friends on LibraryThing. Every day I post a "Day #" image for fun. I'm up to Day 8 and doing fine.

I'm still struggling with constant high levels of anxiety. Anxiety is what got me into this mess in the first place. I ate to self-medicate the anxiety. Now that I'm not eating, I have to sit with this.  Medications don't work for me. Believe me, over the last twenty plus years, I've tried them all. Now that we are dealing with my husband's on-going health issues and job troubles, it's near constant and unrelenting. I don't even know what to do with myself any more. My stomach hurts and I have a constant sinking feeling. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I should go get some therapy but we simply can't afford it.

So I can't eat to soothe the anxiety because I have to take this weight off. But I don't know how much longer I can deal with this level of high emotion. If anyone has some ideas, I'd be willing to listen.

Crashed on the Other Side

It's been a bad couple of months. My husband was diagnosed with eye cancer and between dealing with doctors, finances and trying to "be strong" for him, I simply didn't have the time or energy to blog. I did okay with my eating until last week.

He went to Mayo for a second opinion and was told that in ninety percent of the cases like his, it just "sits there." So, he'll go back in two months for a recheck. If there are no changes, then he'll go back in four months, then eight months, then yearly. This is very different than the first doctor who immediately wanted us to chose between radiation or removal of the eye.

This was all such a relief that I went into a week long binge so I'm sure I'm going to have a significant gain this week. Weight loss of this magnitude is a long, hard journey and I didn't get to almost 700 pounds without have major issues with food. They aren't simply going to go away and my first knee-jerk coping mechanism is always going to reach for food. It's obviously getting better or I wouldn't have lost the weight that I have, but I can't kid myself that I'm never going to binge again. The best I can do is keep them to a minimum.

Typically, I just overeat for a meal which can be recovered from almost immediately. But after holding myself together for two months, I fell apart last Monday and into a depressive episode that lasted three days. Then I got into the "I'll start again tomorrow" for a few more days and now it's Sunday and oh, the weigh in tomorrow is going to be awful. Ish.